Lost In The Details

wow… i really don’t think that i really understood how much time it takes to be a photographer… i just developed 20, yes 20, rolls of film and i am trying to go through them and crop them and fix the exposure and just make them look right. it is so overwhelming for real… it takes so much time and effort. I knew i just didn’t know. it is taking hours and hours and hours.

so to all those waiting on my pics… i apologize but i promise they will be up soon. please be patient with me. here are a few just for fun…

a few from the wedding:

a few from the show:

and a few that i love:

i must sleep now… but there will be more to come!

so… i am going home in a couple of weeks… and i am terrified. it seems that my ghosts always find me and all my insecurities meet me at the airport. they stay at the airport when i leave though which is nice. i just wish that i wasn’t going alone. I am okay with being alone when i am alone. when i am out here and all by myself, i don’t miss having someone. but… when i am going to a wedding in a town that is occupied by all my old friends who are now married… i feel more alone than i ever thought possible.

but… there is a saving grace. my cousin and one of my best friends will be there who are both single. we can wallow and get drunk together… it will be fantastic. there will be a time when i don’t have to subject myself to being the lone ranger of weddings. you can assume that most of my journals from here until the wedding will be wedding related or love related… just have a lot of planning to do so it is on the mind… too bad for the readers…

i wonder about the lone ranger sometimes. do you think that he liked being called that? I mean – he wasn’t actually alone. He did have his best friend with him – tonto. Of which of course would be interpreted as homoerotic these days… But why didn’t he want to get noticed? why did he want to hide in the shadows? All he was doing was fighting injustice. Aren’t you supposed to wear a disguise if you are doing something right – not when you are doing something wrong? Maybe he used to be a bad guy but turned over a new leaf. Let’s get all christian… maybe his mask was a sign of being born again. He could fight for what was right but he couldn’t look at himself doing it. He couldn’t forgive himself but he still wanted to do what is right. I think that we all wear masks. I think that sometimes we can’t look at our things and cannot forgive ourselves for the things that we have done in the past. And we have our sidekick – Jesus. But we should be letting him be the hero. He should be the one out front. But just like tonto – he never gets the recognition. He gets overlooked. He never gets the praise for the good things we do but he is just glad to be there. He is okay being tonto if it means that he is there with us – helping us catch all the injustices in our lives. I think that tonto really deserves the credit.

Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear….

yet another couple i know got ingaged… seriously?!?! how are these people finding their one and only loves? i can barely figure out what i want to wear in the morning… much less who i want to spend the rest of my life with. maybe i will be alone. i don’t know if that is really that bad. i am getting used to myself. i mean… of course i want to spend my life with someone but i think that i will be okay if i don’t. anyone who really knows me knows that sounds so strange but … it is where i am. i am happy. i am slower paced than normal but i am okay with that. i like the quiet. i like the low drama. i miss my friends but i don’t miss the heart ache of my life. i am content being alone for the first time ever. i am okay!

i saw a woman sitting alone the other night at work. she was late 50s and dressed in faded pink sweats. her glasses were broken and fixed with duct tape and her hair was barely brushed. she looked tired. she looked sad. i sat down with her just to see how her meal was going. she smiled but it was worn smile. she had seen her fair share of heart break. i asked her how her meal was and she said, “oh it’s wonderful. i love red lobster. my earl always loved it too. he can’t walk anymore but i like to eat here still.” compelled to hear her story, i asked about Earl. he was in a car accident and he was paralyzed from the waist down. she also had a daughter that was born with cereberal paulsy. she spent all day, everyday taking care of these two and her only moment alone with us at red lobster. as she sat there telling me about her family, tears formed in her eyes. it was something so unusual. she was just so grateful that someone cared. that someone who did not even know here would sit there and listen to her. i wasn’t someone she took care of. i wasn’t anything to her. but i sat there and listened. she was crying and i was broken. how small and insignificant was i compared to the trials this lady faced everyday? i did the only thing i knew how – i spoke Jesus over her. i told her how beautiful she was and how amazing she was and how one day i wish that i could be that strong. i told her that she had a heart that others should long for. i told her that i was proud to meet her. i was proud to know someone that never gave up. through her tears, she smiled, touched my hand and said thank you. it is amazing how much you can change someone’s day with something that you may think is insignificant. i encourage you to listen to someone’s story… it may make their day to know someone cares. she made mine because she trusted something in me to tell me her heart. i know it was jesus. it is nice to know that he still uses me outside of a ministry.

i guess that is all. i am listening to aqualung right now and i like the lyrics of this song so i want to share it with you all…

Another Little Hole

No need to tell her she knows that there another little hole in her heart
Each day each dollar she knows it tears another little hole in her heart
Cause she feels it happen no doubt that theres another little hole in her heart
The day is breaking and the time is taking the love were making
Away this life can only leave us lonely theres no tommorow
Just another little hole in her heart
No need to tell me i know that theres another little tear in my eye
I’m quite aware i see thats there another little tear in my eye
Do you ask yourself why shold we ask oursleves why
Is there any point in wondering why any point in wondering why
The day is breaking and the time is taking the love we’re making
Away this life can only leave us lonely theres no tommorow
Just another little tear in my eye another little tear in my eye
I don’t know i don’t know i don’t know i don’t i don’t know
The day is breaking and time is taking the love were making
Away the gods have spoken the spell is broken and
love will tear us love will tear us apart
This life can only leave us lonely theres no tommorow
Just another little hole in my heart another little hole in my heart
Don’t know i don’t know i don’t know i don’t i don’t know

for my birthday… i have a few wishes.

i wish i was in somewhere tropical.
i wish i wasn’t alone.
i wish i was married.
i wish i had some kids.
i wish i was turning 18 so i could do it all over.
i wish i had something to show for myself.
i wish i wasn’t in debt.
i wish i could be proud of where i am today rather than where i will be tomorrow.
i wish i was with my mom.
i wish i was in love.
i wish i wasn’t going to be alone tonight….

happy 24th birthday to me…

so i made a decision! I am going into management at Red Lobster. I know that this may come as a shock to all the bristolians because I didn’t want to go into management there but I think that this is going to be a really good move for me. The main thing I have here that I didn’t have there is a supportive district manager and a full online course load. All of my management team is really supportive about me pursuing education as well as managing. I know that this sounds like a lot but every one who really knows me understands that I thrive on too much to do! I love being busy and I love doing too much. The more I have to do, the more productive I am. So please keep me in your prayers because May is my make it or break it moment. My general manager is going to be gone the whole month of May and I am basically stepping in as a manager. It is going to be a lot of work and a lot of hours but I would rather do it now than wait until I start school. I am really excited. My body is tired of waiting tables. My wrists and shoulders are getting worse and so is my back. I am just stoked to be able to use my mind a little more. The store I am working in is so great and there are female managers here. Plus, a lot of the staff have been there a long time and basically run themselves. It is a good place to start. I hate that I am not working with Brent and Nat. I miss them everyday I pro here. They were like family to me and I loved working with them. But I do have a great mentor here who is excited to see me grow. She is really investing a lot in me. It is nice to step into a new environment and be supported. As most of the Bristol RL crew know, I wasn’t really supported by the crew there. The “blue apron factor” is such a lower degree here. It doesn’t matter if I am serving or bartending or managing, the crew here is awesome and so resectful. It is just a nice change to not have people talking shit about you constantly. Plus – I might be getting a new store which would be awesome to hand pick my crew. And the new store is super close to my house. And I will be able to afford to pay for school, get out of debt, get my own place, and maybe even get a new car!! We will see about that last one. And I will have the money to travel which is awesome!

So I am good. I am excited that I finally made a damn decision!! My family is supportive… even my Grandmother who rarely supports any decision that I make. It is nice to have her approval. I know that it is not necessary but it is nice to hear that she is proud of me. She always thinks that I am not doing enough or making enough money. I talked to her today and she sounded so proud of me. It was just nice to hear.

I am so excited to go to Colorado. I get to see my best get married and I get to hang with Miranda and my Robin. PLUS I GET TO SEE MY DAD!! He is going on leave and I will get to see him in June! We just happen to be going to Colorado the same week. How awesome is that? We didn’t even plan it!

Okay – so that is all I got right now. I have to go to sleep cause I have to be up early for a meeting. I always feel like I am playing dress up when I get ready for meeting. No one ever taught me how to look professional or look cute. I am just working it out and watching lots of “what not to wear.” I think I look okay.

Oh – I lost a dress size and I cut my hair and dyed it burdundy and purple. It sounds gross but it isn’t. I will post pictures soon. Goodnite friends…

so… i am turning 24 this weekend… I realize that doesn’t seem old but for me I feel so old. That is all i have to say for now…

i always think too much. one of the weirdest things that i think about is what other people are thinking. i have always wanted to be deanna troy off star trek the next generation just so i could hear what people were thinking. i know that this one statement puts me out of the closet as a star trek fan. while i am out, i might as well admit that i watch star trek voyager at least a few times a week. i never really liked it but my brother loved it and idolized my brother growing up. and then something strange happened… after my brother moved out i still watched it. i might have watched it originally because i missed him so damn much but then i started to like it. sshhh… don’t tell anyone i am a nerd…. like everyone doesn’t know….

anyway… i like to think about what people are going through. i wonder what songs people listen to in their cars. i wonder what people are talking about during dinner. and for the record, for all of those who are not in the service industry, servers hear everything. we hear EVERYTHING. i have heard some of the freakiest things walking around a restraunt. and unfortunately i have heard some pretty disturbing things and then it kills my desire to want to know what people are thinking. i think that i want to know what people are thinking because i want to know what Jesus is thinking. He loves to hear things. He loves to know the details of our lives and the little things that we pine over. He likes coffee talk. He likes when we sing at the top of our lungs in our car. i want to like the things that He likes.

or… it could be that i am nosey. but i don’t think so. cause i am not one of those people who likes to be in the middle of the drama. i don’t care about gossip. but i do care about people and their lives. i care about their passions and their dreams. if i could anything, i think that i would make people’s dreams come true. i don’t know what job that fits under. i think maybe marketing. or journalism. i could write about people’s dreams. or in marketing i could possibly help people achieve dreams. i don’t know. maybe i should make my dream come true first. who knows…

know what my new obsession is? 100 calorie anything. i love those little damn packs. i feel like i can actually monitor what i am eating without thinking about it. and guess what? it is actually working! i am losing weight! i like this 100 calorie pack thing. it is not all i am doing. i am trying to workout and drink lots of water too… i am trying to be healthy! it is good for me and i hope that it is contagious.

so funny story: my brother works with this 60 year old woman. yesterday she came into work and she was terrified. she was talking about a commerical she saw on tv where this car ran over a bug and then drank it’s blood and then it multiplied! she was so scared! and you have to see this commerical:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skhaeXwfh3s

and then you will laugh your ass off! but you have to remember to think of a terrified old lady…

that is all for tonight. i am going to watch my new obsession: October Road. fake drama is so much better than real drama. know why? cause after an hour – it goes away. it just doesn’t matter until the next week. no awkward moments or fights. i like it. so i am off to lala land. at least i hope i will see the back of my eyelids for 6-8 hours tongiht. i didn’t go to sleep until 10:30a this morning thanks to a little flu bug. i killed that bug though. yeah… sleepy………

i know that this is a little strange but i think about death a lot. i think about how i am going to die or when. i know that sounds morbid but i don’t think it is. i think that knowing there is an end encourages me to live life with more intensity. we don’t know when we are going to go so we should live everyday as if it is our last. i would like to never have any regrets. i would like to say that i don’t have any now but i do. but i am hoping that the things that i regret today will end up being something beautiful later in my life. many things from my past have turned out to teach me something and change who i am for better. everything that seems bad today could make sense tomorrow. i know that sounds stupid but it is how i like to live.

take tennessee for example. there were things that i went through there that i thought would ruin me but it didn’t. i don’t remember a whole lot of the bad but i do remember most of the good. i remember the bonfires and the long drives and the late nights with my friends. i remember cindy and don (nate’s parents) showing me what it means to be a big sister and a daughter in a family that wasn’t mine. they loved me as their own and i will be eternally grateful for the growth i had there. and the friends that i made there. i made friends that will be with me for the rest of my life. i did lose some time by being stupid but i am better because of the relationships i made and the people i met. and in a lot of ways, the time there helped me learn what i want out of life.

or even my pill poppin days, i learned that i hate not being able to feel. i would rather ride the rollercoaster of my emotions than not feel anything at all. i also learned how to mend relationships after i hurt people and how to apologize. i learned that Jesus really does forgive and forget. i learned that he can make all things beautiful.

i hope that on the last day of my life, i will be grateful for all that i have seen and done. i hope that i do have life long friends and my family standing beside me. i hope that i will have loved with all that i am. and i hope that i made my Father and my Husband proud of who i am. i want to know that i took everything in my life and i grew because of it. i want to see the world and take those people i meet with me in my heart. thinking about death encourages me. i hope that i will see Jesus before my death comes along but if it doesn’t, i want to know that i truly lived because i only have once chance for life. i want to make sure it counts!

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
–Eleanor Roosevelt

in response to mir’s post, here is a little love for miranda….

toffee nut lattes
lillies
black and white pictures
long showers
hanging with my mom
talking with my best friends
rain
road trips
writing
listening to new music
taking pictures
getting lost and finding my way
zach braff
black coffee and biscotti
thrift stores
walking around downtown
picking wild flowers
singing
talking to jesus
swings
the name gabriel
going to forgein countries
golden gate bridge
flying kites
little random shops
ryan adams
laughing
long walks alone
college football games
candles
buying gifts for people i love
captain and coke
sleeping late
spicy salmon sushi
my greatgrandmother’s quit
making people smile
bonfires
coors light
hookahs
my dad’s picture
finished journals
trees
the smell of a pipe
my little laptop
room service
oranges
paying off debt
my family
my friends
tomato soup and grilled cheese
sharing happy moments
the prayer room
eloquent quotes
hummus
project runway
clinque happy heart
diet cherry coke
the color blue
getting flowers
a great dress
cooking
roses
family guy
a clean room
october road
chicken ceaser salads
remembering how lucky i am to be alive and to be loved

so… I am back from my internet fast… I just needed some time to talk to God instead of my blog. You know? I just wanted to think without a computer. I wrote in my journal and went on walks… it was good. I was also worked my ass off… that too. And I spent time with my mom. I miss her already. I wish that she lived here but I don’t feel like I can tell her that. I want her here but if I tell her that I want her here… she will move here. I know that it doesn’t make sense. But those who know me know that I love my mom more than anything and want the best for her. I really do love her more than anything else in the world. I learn that everyday when I hear her voice or talk to her. I am sure that will change when I get married but for now… she is my number one. And the best thing for her right now is to stay in Michigan. Her husband is being a man for the first time in their marriage. He is working and taking care of her. He is supporting her and has heath insurance for both of them. He is trying! He is sober! He got her not one, but two boquets of flowers after she went home from here. If I tell her I want her here, all of that could go down the drain. And what if that happens? Or what if I move? I could never be happy if I left her here. I do miss her though… and I love her more than life.

so… other than that I am good. I am working a lot. I am trying to decide between working two serving jobs and management at the lobster. I can go to school here and manage which is something that I could not do in Bristol. It is hard. I have to decide which is more important… flexibility or stability?? I don’t know. If I have two jobs than I have more flexibility with moving and with school and with being in class rather than online classes. But if I choose stability than I have a good income. I can have a place on my own and not depend on anyone which would be nice. I could also pay for school. It seems logical but also hard. I just don’t know. I think that I am going to go into management. It would be better on my body to not serve. But it would be good to serve at the Melting Pot cause it is a step into fine dining!! I DON’T KNOW!!! I am going to fast tomorrow. I just need to know the Lord’s will for my life. I want to know what He has planned because that would make my life easier as well…. I just don’t know… help me… anyone…

So… I am back and I am going to give you a new pic…. I like it.

AND here is a cool pic of Kristine….

The sun is coming up so I am going to hit the sack….