Lost In The Details

so… i am going home in a couple of weeks… and i am terrified. it seems that my ghosts always find me and all my insecurities meet me at the airport. they stay at the airport when i leave though which is nice. i just wish that i wasn’t going alone. I am okay with being alone when i am alone. when i am out here and all by myself, i don’t miss having someone. but… when i am going to a wedding in a town that is occupied by all my old friends who are now married… i feel more alone than i ever thought possible.

but… there is a saving grace. my cousin and one of my best friends will be there who are both single. we can wallow and get drunk together… it will be fantastic. there will be a time when i don’t have to subject myself to being the lone ranger of weddings. you can assume that most of my journals from here until the wedding will be wedding related or love related… just have a lot of planning to do so it is on the mind… too bad for the readers…

i wonder about the lone ranger sometimes. do you think that he liked being called that? I mean – he wasn’t actually alone. He did have his best friend with him – tonto. Of which of course would be interpreted as homoerotic these days… But why didn’t he want to get noticed? why did he want to hide in the shadows? All he was doing was fighting injustice. Aren’t you supposed to wear a disguise if you are doing something right – not when you are doing something wrong? Maybe he used to be a bad guy but turned over a new leaf. Let’s get all christian… maybe his mask was a sign of being born again. He could fight for what was right but he couldn’t look at himself doing it. He couldn’t forgive himself but he still wanted to do what is right. I think that we all wear masks. I think that sometimes we can’t look at our things and cannot forgive ourselves for the things that we have done in the past. And we have our sidekick – Jesus. But we should be letting him be the hero. He should be the one out front. But just like tonto – he never gets the recognition. He gets overlooked. He never gets the praise for the good things we do but he is just glad to be there. He is okay being tonto if it means that he is there with us – helping us catch all the injustices in our lives. I think that tonto really deserves the credit.

Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear….

yet another couple i know got ingaged… seriously?!?! how are these people finding their one and only loves? i can barely figure out what i want to wear in the morning… much less who i want to spend the rest of my life with. maybe i will be alone. i don’t know if that is really that bad. i am getting used to myself. i mean… of course i want to spend my life with someone but i think that i will be okay if i don’t. anyone who really knows me knows that sounds so strange but … it is where i am. i am happy. i am slower paced than normal but i am okay with that. i like the quiet. i like the low drama. i miss my friends but i don’t miss the heart ache of my life. i am content being alone for the first time ever. i am okay!

i saw a woman sitting alone the other night at work. she was late 50s and dressed in faded pink sweats. her glasses were broken and fixed with duct tape and her hair was barely brushed. she looked tired. she looked sad. i sat down with her just to see how her meal was going. she smiled but it was worn smile. she had seen her fair share of heart break. i asked her how her meal was and she said, “oh it’s wonderful. i love red lobster. my earl always loved it too. he can’t walk anymore but i like to eat here still.” compelled to hear her story, i asked about Earl. he was in a car accident and he was paralyzed from the waist down. she also had a daughter that was born with cereberal paulsy. she spent all day, everyday taking care of these two and her only moment alone with us at red lobster. as she sat there telling me about her family, tears formed in her eyes. it was something so unusual. she was just so grateful that someone cared. that someone who did not even know here would sit there and listen to her. i wasn’t someone she took care of. i wasn’t anything to her. but i sat there and listened. she was crying and i was broken. how small and insignificant was i compared to the trials this lady faced everyday? i did the only thing i knew how – i spoke Jesus over her. i told her how beautiful she was and how amazing she was and how one day i wish that i could be that strong. i told her that she had a heart that others should long for. i told her that i was proud to meet her. i was proud to know someone that never gave up. through her tears, she smiled, touched my hand and said thank you. it is amazing how much you can change someone’s day with something that you may think is insignificant. i encourage you to listen to someone’s story… it may make their day to know someone cares. she made mine because she trusted something in me to tell me her heart. i know it was jesus. it is nice to know that he still uses me outside of a ministry.

i guess that is all. i am listening to aqualung right now and i like the lyrics of this song so i want to share it with you all…

Another Little Hole

No need to tell her she knows that there another little hole in her heart
Each day each dollar she knows it tears another little hole in her heart
Cause she feels it happen no doubt that theres another little hole in her heart
The day is breaking and the time is taking the love were making
Away this life can only leave us lonely theres no tommorow
Just another little hole in her heart
No need to tell me i know that theres another little tear in my eye
I’m quite aware i see thats there another little tear in my eye
Do you ask yourself why shold we ask oursleves why
Is there any point in wondering why any point in wondering why
The day is breaking and the time is taking the love we’re making
Away this life can only leave us lonely theres no tommorow
Just another little tear in my eye another little tear in my eye
I don’t know i don’t know i don’t know i don’t i don’t know
The day is breaking and time is taking the love were making
Away the gods have spoken the spell is broken and
love will tear us love will tear us apart
This life can only leave us lonely theres no tommorow
Just another little hole in my heart another little hole in my heart
Don’t know i don’t know i don’t know i don’t i don’t know

for my birthday… i have a few wishes.

i wish i was in somewhere tropical.
i wish i wasn’t alone.
i wish i was married.
i wish i had some kids.
i wish i was turning 18 so i could do it all over.
i wish i had something to show for myself.
i wish i wasn’t in debt.
i wish i could be proud of where i am today rather than where i will be tomorrow.
i wish i was with my mom.
i wish i was in love.
i wish i wasn’t going to be alone tonight….

happy 24th birthday to me…

so i made a decision! I am going into management at Red Lobster. I know that this may come as a shock to all the bristolians because I didn’t want to go into management there but I think that this is going to be a really good move for me. The main thing I have here that I didn’t have there is a supportive district manager and a full online course load. All of my management team is really supportive about me pursuing education as well as managing. I know that this sounds like a lot but every one who really knows me understands that I thrive on too much to do! I love being busy and I love doing too much. The more I have to do, the more productive I am. So please keep me in your prayers because May is my make it or break it moment. My general manager is going to be gone the whole month of May and I am basically stepping in as a manager. It is going to be a lot of work and a lot of hours but I would rather do it now than wait until I start school. I am really excited. My body is tired of waiting tables. My wrists and shoulders are getting worse and so is my back. I am just stoked to be able to use my mind a little more. The store I am working in is so great and there are female managers here. Plus, a lot of the staff have been there a long time and basically run themselves. It is a good place to start. I hate that I am not working with Brent and Nat. I miss them everyday I pro here. They were like family to me and I loved working with them. But I do have a great mentor here who is excited to see me grow. She is really investing a lot in me. It is nice to step into a new environment and be supported. As most of the Bristol RL crew know, I wasn’t really supported by the crew there. The “blue apron factor” is such a lower degree here. It doesn’t matter if I am serving or bartending or managing, the crew here is awesome and so resectful. It is just a nice change to not have people talking shit about you constantly. Plus – I might be getting a new store which would be awesome to hand pick my crew. And the new store is super close to my house. And I will be able to afford to pay for school, get out of debt, get my own place, and maybe even get a new car!! We will see about that last one. And I will have the money to travel which is awesome!

So I am good. I am excited that I finally made a damn decision!! My family is supportive… even my Grandmother who rarely supports any decision that I make. It is nice to have her approval. I know that it is not necessary but it is nice to hear that she is proud of me. She always thinks that I am not doing enough or making enough money. I talked to her today and she sounded so proud of me. It was just nice to hear.

I am so excited to go to Colorado. I get to see my best get married and I get to hang with Miranda and my Robin. PLUS I GET TO SEE MY DAD!! He is going on leave and I will get to see him in June! We just happen to be going to Colorado the same week. How awesome is that? We didn’t even plan it!

Okay – so that is all I got right now. I have to go to sleep cause I have to be up early for a meeting. I always feel like I am playing dress up when I get ready for meeting. No one ever taught me how to look professional or look cute. I am just working it out and watching lots of “what not to wear.” I think I look okay.

Oh – I lost a dress size and I cut my hair and dyed it burdundy and purple. It sounds gross but it isn’t. I will post pictures soon. Goodnite friends…

so… i am turning 24 this weekend… I realize that doesn’t seem old but for me I feel so old. That is all i have to say for now…