so… i am going home in a couple of weeks… and i am terrified. it seems that my ghosts always find me and all my insecurities meet me at the airport. they stay at the airport when i leave though which is nice. i just wish that i wasn’t going alone. I am okay with being alone when i am alone. when i am out here and all by myself, i don’t miss having someone. but… when i am going to a wedding in a town that is occupied by all my old friends who are now married… i feel more alone than i ever thought possible.
but… there is a saving grace. my cousin and one of my best friends will be there who are both single. we can wallow and get drunk together… it will be fantastic. there will be a time when i don’t have to subject myself to being the lone ranger of weddings. you can assume that most of my journals from here until the wedding will be wedding related or love related… just have a lot of planning to do so it is on the mind… too bad for the readers…
i wonder about the lone ranger sometimes. do you think that he liked being called that? I mean – he wasn’t actually alone. He did have his best friend with him – tonto. Of which of course would be interpreted as homoerotic these days… But why didn’t he want to get noticed? why did he want to hide in the shadows? All he was doing was fighting injustice. Aren’t you supposed to wear a disguise if you are doing something right – not when you are doing something wrong? Maybe he used to be a bad guy but turned over a new leaf. Let’s get all christian… maybe his mask was a sign of being born again. He could fight for what was right but he couldn’t look at himself doing it. He couldn’t forgive himself but he still wanted to do what is right. I think that we all wear masks. I think that sometimes we can’t look at our things and cannot forgive ourselves for the things that we have done in the past. And we have our sidekick – Jesus. But we should be letting him be the hero. He should be the one out front. But just like tonto – he never gets the recognition. He gets overlooked. He never gets the praise for the good things we do but he is just glad to be there. He is okay being tonto if it means that he is there with us – helping us catch all the injustices in our lives. I think that tonto really deserves the credit.
Return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear….
